Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The answer to the question... Why?

                     I have this obsession with carwashes.  I really don't know when it started and don't know why or even understand why, but I love them.  I love the fact that something can be so dirty and then within 5 minutes it can be shiny and clean and look almost new.  Today, my life is full of fast-paced meetings, classes I dream of leaving, and a future I can't wait to get to.  Yet, someone in the midst of all of these hectic day to day nonsense I find solace in the car wash.  Some people find solace in sitting outside on a beautiful day, maybe some find solace in playing their favorite ballad, or reading their favorite book - but as for me:  I find solace in the pounding water and the pressure as the brushes and sponges mop the surfaces of my car and finally the sounds as the air is blown to get the last remnants of water off the car before the light turns green and I can resume my hectic day.  As soon as my tires hit the wheel ramp before the car wash, I put my car in neutral and recline my seat as far back as I can and turn off the music, throw my phone in the back seat, and try to release my mind from the stresses that consume my thoughts.  

                    It works for me and is an amazing feeling - the cleansing process.  But sometimes, I wonder, why do I like this so much?  Why is the carwash my go to place and how come I can't stand to sit in class, or wait for an appointment, yet I could go through a mind-numbing process like the carwash several times in a row?  

                   I think a lot of this stems from a more internal and a more fundamental question that I ask myself.  Why do I get worked up?  Why am I such a roller coaster.  The carwash seems to "wash" all of my problems away - and it really does.  (if you haven't tried it - you need to - it's almost ALMOST better then a massage).  

                     During the car wash yesterday - my mind began to wander.  I began to think of all of the things that I think about on a daily basis and I'll give you one guess what that thing is.  Marriage.  So I took full advantage of this opportunity to think about the sad state of my love life.  Single.  Not only single, but super single - I feel far from meeting someone I could ever fall in love with.  And the one thing that keeps me going strong everyday, my career.  I. hate. that.  I am such a determined person that If I put my head down, I won't come up for air, for a breath, for a date, for nothing.  

                    One thing I have noticed is that when I meet a guy that I am interested in, I give them roughly 2 weeks. And when I say 2 weeks, it is almost 14 days to a T.  I am both picky and stubborn - which makes for a very unattractive mix, however, I am very confident (which is attractive to most guys), but wait - I am so confident that it's intimidating which turns that attraction right off.  Maybe I need to focus on patience or maybe I just need to be happy alone... which I can tell you right now - won't happen.  Ever.

                   All of this during a 3 minute car wash was a lot to ponder.  So the question I quickly came to, in tears I might add, was 

Why Do I Want To Get Married?

                    I am usually the girl who loves marriage and is 30 minutes early to weddings just to get the perfect spot so that I can live vicariously through the bride and groom as they make their promises to each other.  I am the girl that buys wedding magazines to read the most realistic of romantic love stories and watch them unfold between the glossy pages of the magazine.  As I prayed over this during my third trip through the carwash, I didn't really know what to pray over.  I can pray for my friends and pray for the sick and the nations and the Lord's will - but when it comes to my life and my marriage, I am at a lack for words.  It is just a pity prayer - a prayer that pleads. 

                     So, I began to sit before the Lord and try and answer this question the Holy Spirit placed on my heart.  Why?  The first answers were: Companionship, My Love Story, Sex, A Family, A Partner, Someone to Serve, and my favorite - I want to do someone's laundry... I know that sounds silly and no I don't want to be a laundromat, but I want to serve my husband and it's one of the things I am looking forward to most about marriage.  As I spoke those reasons - selfishness was pouring out of my mouth... How could such a selfless act of being married produce so many selfish behaviors?  I was too embarrassed then to even ask for marriage - because I was too selfish.  It's not like I was praying for food for starving children, or that the families struggling with death would be healed, or peace would be brought to those stressing... I was praying to increase my happiness - my pleasure.  Gosh! What was I thinking...

God knows better than I do.  

                     For the last 24 hours - I have been asking myself this same question... Why?  Why?  Why? As exciting as a huge, extravagant, white dress and expensive beautiful bouquet, church-packed, family-filled wedding is; I would be willing to sacrifice it all for an elopement or a church with a few pews filled with family and a love that would last a lifetime.  But maybe it's not my time?  Maybe it won't be my time for a while - or maybe it will be soon... Maybe it will be tomorrow.  But WHY is it such a big deal?  Are you single?  If you are, why do you want to be married?  

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