After reading this blog post I am sure you will think I am the most depressed, anxious, impatient person ever. But I assure you - the thoughts you are about to read are read are true. They are thoughts that are in my heart and mind and I want to share them with you. Because more likely than not, there are girls out there that are feeling the same way. And one thing that we know I am not ashamed of is expressing how I feel no matter how uninhibited it might be.
These are also thoughts that I have been having for a while now and I want to get them down - because I feel God moving not only in my heart but in relationships and conversations I am having around me. Which is a very cool thing!
Let me catch you up on my life really quick. I am at University of Central Arkansas doing my internship (that is required for my masters degree) and I will be returning to Baylor in January to finish up and take the remaining 9 hours of my degree... And hopefully graduate in May!! WOO HOO. I am currently living at home and enjoying every moment of it - trying to soak up the last few months of living at home with Laura Leigh. She is so cute and I feel like she was so young when I left for Ouachita and moved out of the house. It is Abby and Laura Leigh time :)
I am still single, reluctantly... and that is where this post begins.
I have been very discouraged lately because my friends seem to be so in love, and everywhere I turn there is a wedding, with a bride, and a beautiful cake and a loving husband. I was at a friend's wedding this weekend and the groom's face nearly brought me to tears. He was so happy. He could not stop smiling and he literally looked like he was about the jump out of his skin. It was adorable. You could tell that God's love and will was happening in this marriage.
Everyone will ask me, why do you want to rush something like marriage - it's two people being bond by a covenant forever. It's hard and it takes work. Just live up the single life. You see - that would be fun... if I wanted to "live" the single life. But let me be frank, I want that companion and person to ask if we can go places or plan meals together. I want someone to ready the house for and be at home at the end of the day with. I needed encouragement. So I started looking for a christian fiction book to read that would maybe fit to how my life is going. Many times I get caught up in tv shows or movies and I am so enthralled that I believe that is how my life should and will work out - and then I come up short. So I found a book called Never the Bride. And boy did I hit the jackpot.
I can't tell you much about it because I am only about half way through the book. But what I can tell you is how it is impacting my life.
Jessie is a 34 year old girl dying to get married. So anxious - that she has written in her journal over 150 ways a guy can propose, over 50 ways the perfect engagement ring should look, and thousands of pages of the perfect man and her relationship with him. However, she does not do one critical thing: she doesn't give the pen to God. She doesn't allow him to write her love story. She wants complete control.
Now let me interject. This is Abby Turner to a tee. Okay - maybe not all the way....
I do NOT journal (except for blogging online) and yes I might talk about marriage
and weddings and love and boys, but by no means do I allow it to control
my life. I just love to talk and read and watch about it.
Back to the story. God comes to visit her. It is really cool how God shows her that He is not the author of her life. And that he wants complete control.
Last night I was reading and she says, to her younger sister, I just know that is why God did this in my life and why I was at this place at this time - and that is why Clay and I are back together. She was silencing God at that moment. Because that was NOT her plan at all.
Have you ever done that? Have you thought oh my gosh - this is why this happened... so that God could create this opportunity for me? Well I will be honest. I have! How terrible is that of me to think that I can predict or even think like God I CAN'T. and YOU CAN'T. sorry to bust your bubble - if that was inside of it. This book, God's plan, and my love story has been on my mind a lot lately. It shouldn't. I am young, vital, and have big things in my future. But guess what - I don't have any patience. Sometimes I think that patience was misspelled in the Bible. I am pretty sure the other fruit of the spirit was supposed to be anxiousness or eagerness. haha - (that is so a joke)!
This morning I woke up and on my way to work I have been listening to Gateway Church's (out of Southlake Texas) adult ministry (Seven) podcast by Pastor Stephen LeBlanc on my way to work. Back in March he did a Romance series.. What do you think the first series I began to listen to was. Ding Ding Ding - If you thought Romance series - you though correctly. Here are some of my notes from this morning.
John 7:6 "My time has not yet come, but your time is always ready." Jesus.
Pastor Stephen, "You only need God's timing if you want to walk in God's will. If you want God's best romantically, you have to use God's timing."
"Summer hit to soon. Why does that matter? Our beautiful tree with huge blossoms bloomed too soon. Which means - it hurts the life of the tree and wastes it's energy. If you want to romanticize people by the world standards your time is always ready. So if you want to romanticize people by the world standards, it's easy - all you have to do is treat people like they are used cars. It happens all the time all over the nation tonight. What are they doing? They are taking each other for a test drive. Well I don't want to marry them until I test drive it a little bit. Let me just tell you something. You can learn the in and the out of someone without a test drive. Be vulnerable and romanticize their heart. If you want God's results - you have to do it God's way. It's tough when you are romantically involved and wan that intimacy... It's hard. And marriage is fun but only when you do things God's way."
Wow. I am officially encouraged. I was talking to my sister earlier in the week and was just so discouraged about the single life and just how relationships of the world were. I told her I want a Little House on the Prairie Romance. One that starts with my family and is everything Holy. I want a guy to romance me and not "sex" me. I don't want to be just another girl to him, I want to be the girl.
I am so encouraged by what he said and that there are preachers that are pouring this message into the adult generation. My prayer has now become not that I become un-single, but that I allow God to write my love story and with that love story I am given a man that I could only dream about at night row read about in the bible or in books.
I am anxious to finish my book. I am almost done!!!
I hope that this post hasn't been too entirely long.
In God's eager will to provide us with bliss in a charmed life!
P.S. In this post I talked about a lot of things. I am not judging, I am not criticizing, and I am not trying to make myself seem perfect. I am NOT perfect. I am the first to admit that I have made some huge mistakes in my life that I have had to lay before my Savior. Thankfully, he has forgiven me and made me pure in his eyes. The Right Motive to Romance - is not look at any wrongs that one has committed (1 Corinthians 13) and to love them unconditionally and with a kind heart. I'm not perfect - but I pray that my love story is perfect because it will happen in God's timing.. even though that is so hard for me to say. Enjoy this week.